I remember the day so vividly, June 26, 2004 changed everything…
I woke to the knocking on my bedroom door and managed to open my eyes enough to see the alarm clock that read 5:00 am. My senses came to life after hearing my cousin JW say it’s not good get up and come next door. Next door was my grandparents house, I got up, found some flip flops and walked down the drive over the little bridge that connected my yard with my grandparents yard and around the front to the door behind JW. I walked in turned right into the living and walked to the dining room to see everyone surrounding my grandmother in the hospital bed she had sleep in because she could no longer get up the stairs. I’ll never forget the noise he her gargling and the blake stare she had on her face. I held her hand and told her I loved her as we all came the realization that this was the end.
Within a half hour the ambulance arrived, no lights, no sirens. I curled myself up on the far corner on the couch closet to the window where a end table held a picture collage I made for Gram I gave to her the past Christmas. I held it and never let it go for the rest of the day. I watched as she was taken out of the house through the living room the way I walked in just minutes before. It was all surreal.
We all got up and followed behind in a three vehicles, Gramp went with Gram in the ambulance. We arrived at the ER where she was in a room by herself. The doctor came and hung his head low after just a glance. He gave her something to quiet the gargling and too remove the pain. They then transferred her to a single room big enough to hold the family. Throughout the day visitors of her closest friends and other family members walked in and out. We told stories that made us laugh, that made us cry, but most of all made us remember who we could never forget.
She held on until midmorning. We were in the middle of a story when Gramp said “I think she’s gone.” The monitors went blank with straight lines and loud dial, the nurse came in and stated the time of death. Gramp was holding her hand has he put is head down and sobbed just for a few minutes. We all did the same. The tears only lasted a couple minutes, we stopped and said she knew it was time to go. We shared the stories she needed to hear before she left and she did so in the presence of family and friends.
That didn’t end our day when she left. We stayed at the hospital for most of the day. One of my cousins way on her way and we couldn’t tell her while she was driving that Gram was already gone. Around 1:00 pm she came to hospital where my Aunt met her at the door and stopped her before going into the room. She didn’t need the words; she already knew why. We all sobbed again for a few minutes, before she could go in the room she let it all out before she entered. She went over to Gram and said “I love you.” Our stories continued for most of the day before eventually we started to take shifts in going home.
It was time to go home, we have all yet to shower, get dressed, and process what happened. I couldn’t go without saying goodbye. I didn’t cry but the tears formed. My mom had her arm around me as I stood on my grandmothers right side. I kissed her forehead and said I love you. She was so frail and cold, her forehead seemed large, her hair thinned from her cancer treatments, hers cheeks sunken in, pale, and her eyes were closed. Although this was one of the last times I saw her physical body this is never how I remember her. I still never let go the picture frame I made her. As we walked out the room we said to each other “she would never say goodbye so see you later Gram.”
Once we got into our SUV I just held the frame in my hands and my head pressed against the glass staring out the window. I don’t think I ever say anything outside as my eyes and mind were clouded from that realism of what happened early that morning. She was gone.
We pulled into the driveway and I went straight to my room and got out this box. This box contained my memories of life on paper, I kept cards, pictures, things, anything I wanted to keep for the rest of my life was in this box. I took out all the pictures I had of Gram and put them all on my bed and then I crawled onto my bed made myself into a ball, held the pictures on my chest and cried. The first time I really myself sob over what happened. I just needed the time to let it go and thats what I did for an hour before I felt strong enough to get up and finally take a shower and get dressed that day. That day changed everything.
The next few days were a blur. The funeral arrangements started to be implemented. She already had planned. During this time I clinched to my writings, its how I coped, its how I expressed my feelings because I didn’t want to talk about it. The night came of her wake. It didn’t surprise us but we were still amazed of the people she touched and how many people came to show her the respect she deserved.
The next day was the funeral. It was in the church we grew up in going to when she was able to bribe us with breakfast at the New Friendly Restaurant. There were so many cars along the road with people walking into the church. Flowers that people sent were spread out among the church because there were so many. We went and sat in the front row and the service began.
She requested to play Amazing Grace. She would always ask me to play it on my guitar, it was one of the only songs I knew and it had always been her favorite even. We stood and sang the song and I remember staring at the floor having a hard time lifting my eyes. Most of us got up and said something, some stories many us laugh, others made you cry but I couldn’t find my tears that day not until I got up to the podium and read this poem named “Gram do you remember?” I didn’t sob or really cry but the tears held in the corners of my eyes fighting the urge to fall. I looked out and saw so many people, the pews were filled with close family and friends, the back of the church acted as a standing room and many were standing next to each other just trying to fit into the church. This was really my first time speaking in front of so many people but I knew my ability to read off a paper didn’t matter that day. So I read my poem and the last two lines is where my tears couldn’t fight anymore and fell. “Gram do you remember when you would say “I love you” and I didn’t aways say it right back. I do, and I can tell you now I love you so much and that’s a fact.” I stepped down and took my seat in the front pew.
We all knew she wouldn’t want us to dwell on her leaving so instead many people got up and told stories that made us laugh because she was full of life. Her ability to make someone smile was effortless and to make them laugh was just as easy. She would dress up on Halloween and my birthdays when I was younger. She was Barney, Minny Mouse, she was part of the Perry Girls, she played on the golf course just for the for the social game because we all knew Gram couldn’t hit a driver. She did hit a car once off of number nine tee and broke their windshield. They weren’t very happy about it but everyone else got a good laugh. She didn’t care about her game and how terrible she might have done, she went for the social life and to laugh at herself. She taught us that sometimes you just have that, laugh at yourself.
Her and Gramp lined danced and had the greatest outfits for it. She had a whole room in her house dedicated to clothes and shoes that you could barely open the door and the best part, most of the clothes still had price tags on them. She had a room full of halloween outfits that all the grandkids including myself would play with and dress up in. She was known as the Avon lady and had enough Avon boxes to build another house out of cardboard. So many stories we could tell but the one story we ended the service with was the night before she died.
It was the happiest she had been while fighting cancer. There were so many lows she fell off the couch once when she was by herself, she rarely got off the couch, she was weak and frail, but her lowest point was when she could no longer get up the stairs and needed a hospital bed because she lost all independence. It took the place of the round dining room table in the back corner of the room. When the table was there we always fought for the back chair because it involved crawling under the table. She was laying the bed and we were having a the best time. The one thing I think all of us will remember is the Klondike bar she wanted. Gramp always had ice cream and Klondike bars in the freezer in the garage. Food wasn’t the same for her since her chemo and radiation therapies but all she wanted that night was to eat a Klondike bar and she did. Her best friend just happened to stop by along with a few others. She knew her life wasn’t going to get any better than that night. It was her last party she had and one we will never lose sight of.
Gramp never left her side. Gram always took of everyone including Gramp for so long and when he had to return the duty he did so with pride. She was embarrassed by it but in our family embarrassment doesn’t last long as we are open with everything. One of the request she had when she was sick and staying at home all the time because she was too weak to go out was to have a cat. They had a couple of cats before, Kate, she lived to be 16 years old and then there was Jake, he used to watch the Price is Right with Gramp everyday at 11am by staring at TV as he laid in front of it. So that’s when KJ came about she named him after Kate and Jake together. She wanted a cat that would talk to her and she got one that never shut up. He was full of personality just like her. He laid by her side, entertained her, and was the friend she needed at times. When she past away, he never left Gramp’s side and today that’s where he remains.
The stories of her could fill the pages, she was an amazing lady and today when people say I remind them of her all I can do is smile because there is no one else I’d rather be like. For the people that knew her understand how she touched others and the spirit she left behind. We often refer to the freak accidents that would only happen to our family as her finding a way into our lives from another world.
What does this have to me and my story? Well basically everything but that’s another story…
To be continued.
