5 Stages

This past week I received an email from a fellow survivor, and in that email the description of this person’s feelings reminded me of the 5 stages of grief and loss. Now this person’s story is not for me to share but made me think of my own survival story and it made me realize that I, myself have gone through these stages and it wasn’t until this email I received that I ever thought of it before. So, in hopes of making others understand, I share them with you.

Stage 1: Denial & Isolation

I was that kid that had friends, played sports, and was outgoing but when I was at home, I spent most of the time in my room with door shut. I was really good at acting tired, not wanting to socialize at home, and hide behind my bedroom door. It was my safe place, a place where I didn’t have to play my own stunt double, a place where even though I was alone with my thoughts, I knew how control them. To the outside looking in, I was just an only child playing in my room, a teenager who didn’t want to hang out with her mother, but it would never been seen as isolation, but it was.

I denied my abuse, I denied my father would abuse me, I denied I lived two different lives. I was abused, my father abused me, and for 7 years I lived two different lives. I lived the life of a outgoing, sporty, independent kid/teenager/young adult. I lived the life of a child who was scared, manipulated, and coerced.

Stage 2: Anger

I can vividly remember anger outburst that I had directed towards my dad. I was angry and I didn’t know what I was angry for for a very long time. I could tell him over the phone he was a terrible dad for so many reasons without ever mentioning the abuse, I couldn’t take the chance of someone overhearing that. I didn’t even need that when there was broken promises. I probably took my anger out on others, I tried to channel it into sports, and to this day I can be aggressive and won’t back down, some call it stubbornness but I’ll always question if it’s because of what he did to me. Even if it is, there’s no excuse.

Stage 3:

Bargaining I was convinced, if I stopped going to see him the abuse would stop. I was convinced I could stop the abuse. Maybe if I show up late, make sure someone is there, if I pretend I’m too tired or don’t feel good, it wouldn’t happen. None of it worked. The real defensive was putting him away. 

Stage 4: Depression

I never appeared to others as someone who was depressed, and to be honest, I never considered myself depressed. I do know, I was in a very dark place for a very long time and can admit to that, I reread the poems I wrote, one in particular “Bitter Sweet” and I now question how those thoughts were part of me. Today I can’t write a poem to save my life because I no longer have the darkness in me. Here’s a clip of “Bitter Sweet.”

Naked the truth held

In the I

Cold and dark

In the room 

Which it began

Tiny it does not fall

Growing with time

Now big enough

Falling from the

I can not believe

So bitter sweet

With the salt

The drop holds

Taste of revenge

Sits on the tongue

And dissolves

Bubbles the acid

Revealing the past

The tongue speaks

Of the pain in 

The I so clearly 

Could never see

Pain which drains

Tough throughout

Sits in the stomach 

Then turns around

Making the I’s sick 

To see what 

Was right in front

Of the truth

Slowly coming back

The feeling that

Makes you sick

…

Sometimes I question myself of how I ever wrote like that, but this wasn’t the only poem with the darkness that lived inside for so long.

Stage 5: Acceptance

I can honestly say that I am not defined by my abusive past, but because of the choice I’ve made since then. It wasn’t long after the court hearings wrapped up that I knew I wanted to channel my experience and make others aware of what happened to me in hope of helping just one other person. Until the day I looked him in the eye, on the stand in court, I hadn’t accepted it yet. I tried to hide it in school, afraid of people’s pity and that they would look at me differently. It wasn’t until I said “you no longer have a daughter in me,” that I accepted what he had done, and it didn’t matter if admitted he was wrong or continues to deny it because I know the truth. I know the war that I fought against him, and regardless of the battles he won, I came out victorious. I am Kayla Garriott, and I am survivor of child sexual abuse, incest, and being prisoner of my own father and I a proud to accept who I have become.

I have no regret.

The other day I had someone ask me if I ever regretted turning in my father or if I missed him. My answer was “No I don’t regret turning him in.” As for missing him, I don’t either, I told this person how sometimes I wonder what things could have been like if I was part of a “normal” father/daughter relationship but where would that put me today? I also told this person I didn’t regret turning in my dad because I know he would have kept abusing me or find someone else if he couldn’t get to me. I would be afraid if I were to one day have children to leave them alone with him (not that I ever would but just used it as an example).

Today I was asked some interview questions for a local write up in the Calais Advertiser one of them being ‘do you believe you are making a difference and why.’ I then happen to find this story of inspiration and I believed it described the situation perfectly…

‎"A man goes out on the beach and sees that it is covered with starfish that have washed up in the tide. A little boy is walking along, picking them up and throwing back into the water. "What are you doing, son?" the man asks. "You see how many starfish there are? You'll never make a difference." The boy paused thoughtfully, and picked up another starfish and threw it into the ocean. "It sure made a difference to that one," he said.”

If I make a difference in one person’s life I believe I have made a difference. I may have a dream to change the world but it will be done with one voice at a time. Each voice that is shared with me is one more voice to raise awareness, one more individual to accept the present or past, one more voice that can change their future.

I choose to take a public stand on an issue that is often believed to be a quiet and private manner. People may disagree with me and most of the people who will is because this personal to them, it hits home, it’s a realization. I am not here to make friends with everyone, I am here to make a difference and if I create enemies on the way, that means I’ve stood up for something, right?

I don’t believe in regret to get back to the beginning of this post. I believe in chance and that everything happens for a reason. In court I told my dad he didn’t deserve me as a daughter because he failed me and that the reason that this happened was because I was strong enough to stop him and prevent him from finding another victim.

Today he’s in prison and today I am here, sharing my voice, sharing my story, making a difference.

He’s probably worried about how cool he is in jail.

Do everyone a favor and educate yourself!

I have the words “silence is the spoken truth of a bittersweet remembrance” permanently written on my side. These words are from a poem a wrote.

What does this have to do with anything you might ask?

Silence is often a cry for help but how do you know when it is?

I’m getting ready to move into a new apartment and was doing some packing when I came across my bag of journals and scrap papers. I had so many words in my mind but my mouth knew not to talk so my hand had to write.

I wrote poems, sometimes only a couple of lines. I scribbled and sometimes my mind only knew single words to write. When reading my writings of the past I guess I never realized just how angry I was. I wrote about the pain, the hurt, the inability to tell, I wrote about my childhood.

I never realized how dark my soul was when I was in silence but no one ever does. People don’t see inside you unless you share it with them, I was never that person, I didn’t share. Why would I share the hell inside of me with others?

My writings made me think of what is going recently both in the state of Maine and nationally with Penn State. People do not understand the depth of hurt victims of child sexual abuse go through. I could share my writings in hopes that it would make people understand the hurt and hell victims go through. They will place blame on themselves, they will feel guilty, and will try to convince themselves they can stand up to it and stop it.

People often choose not to believe the truth in front of their eyes. They often see the good in the abusers because “how could he/she possibly do this to anyone?” Guess what, abusers are anyone and everyone. People often choose believe their own distorted thoughts because again “they are so well respected in the community he/she would never do such a thing.” Open your eyes people!

If someone is being accused of sexual abuse there is a good chance the those accusations are 98% true. Only 2% of sexual assaults crimes are falsely reported. Children learn to lie to protect themselves they do not lie to create investigations that are long lasting, hurtful, and diminishing to their self esteem and society choosing to believe the abuser in their gratefulness sends a negative message to the children trying to stand up their abusers.

I understand that some abusers might have been a good person at one time. They might have accomplished great things, they might be a great leader, even a great person. Again open your eyes! Whatever good these people might have done in their lives before choosing the lifestyle of stealing the innocence of children no longer exists. They will never be remembered for the good they will be remembered for the crimes they committed or of crimes they were accused of.

Here is a poem I wrote after my own father drugged me and raped me the night of my junior high school prom. Years before that I suppressed my thoughts so everything came out at once…

A single tear drop
That slowly forms
Swimming with the
Past and life
Once lived
Starts in the corner
Of the I
Curl into a ball
Naked the truth held
In the I
Cold and dark
In the room
Which it began
Tiny it does not fall
Growing with time
Now big enough
Falling from the
I can not believe
So bitter sweet
With the salt
The drop holds
Taste of revenge
Sits on the tongue
And dissolves
Bubbles the acid
Revealing the past
The tongue speaks
Of the pain in
The I so clearly
Could never see
Pain which drains
Tough throughout
Sits in the stomach
Then turns around
Making the I’s sick
To see what
Was right in front
Of the truth
Slowly coming back
The feeling that
Makes you sick
Wipe the mouth
That held the tear
That the I
Cried so many times
On the fingertips
Of the life and
Present being lived
Grasp the sheet
That lays over
The past
And now comes clean
Soap and water
Wash away
The dirt and
Makeup which
Puddles in the
I smear it
Across the mirror
Which is broken
With the reflection
Of the ugly life
Which is possessed
Falls to the ground
Cutting into every
Step, hundreds of
I’s are shown
Through the pieces
Of the life lived
From the I
Looking down at
The hundreds pictured
Back. The tear
Drop falls
Bleeding on the glass
A ripple of life
Red with fire
As from hell
Which the I’s
Have lived and seen
Take the glass
Dyed red, dripping
Of the tears
Cuts into the
Heart which
Was already broken
Kills the spirit
Already gone
Naked truth
The I can
Now see images
Clearly cut in
Thousands of lines
Couldn’t read between
The I’s become
Blurry and
Flooded with
Drops, swimming
With the past
And life once lived.
Drops form with
Blood to kill that
Memory you forced
Upon the I’s
Closed they are
Only from you
They can only see
The future not
Lived by your demands
The I’s see
What clearly is
Not so clear
The hell that
Bled on the
Mirror, now reflects
The picture of you.
Countless pieces
That stand for
The times you
Made the I’s cry
And when they
Couldn’t remember
The I’s have
Seen enough
Goodbye as they
Shut to never
Have to open
To you ever
Again.

The poem is called Bittersweet. It shows the darkness, the hell, and fear of what victims go through. Everyone has a different story and feel their emotions differently but for those who do not understand and are oblivious to life here is just a introduction of the pain someone goes through. Just know by supporting the abusers you are helping create this pain. So my silence was my spoken truth of a bittersweet remembrance. I do not turn to God to fix my problems. I believe in myself, I believe I can change the world, I believe their is a problem that needs to fixed. I will not place my feelings in someone else’s belief of a greater good. Have you noticed those who follow in God’s footsteps to change the world are often being accused sexual abuse crimes? Maybe they believe they are teaching some child but then again maybe they are just full of shit. I’m tired of hearing people praise people for abusing children because they are oblivious and choose not to open their eyes and see what is right in front of them. I may believe everything happens for a reason but do not tell me God put us on this Earth to abuse others, he does not make excuses, and for those who are using him as an excuse, shame on you. Religion is being considered a scapegoat to reality.

I’m tired of being nice to people and giving the benefit of the doubt when they are just plain idiotic, uneducated, and again oblivious. I have nothing against religion of any kind, I have nothing against your beliefs, but that does not mean I will agree with you. Do society a favor and get educated… isn’t that what we tell young girls who choose to participate in sex and get pregnant? Isn’t that what we tell children who choose to abuse drugs and alcohol? Isn’t that what everyone tells us? Everyone believes the new generation is going to ruin our society but in reality it’s all the generations of people who choose not to become educated on crimes that are committed everyday, every 2 minutes a women in the United States is being sexually assaulted. Old or young you have a responsibility.

Child Sexual Abuse not an Emergency?

Currently, Representative Joyce Maker from Calais, ME is trying to pass a bill in the Maine Legislative Council. The bill:

To Create the Task Force on the Prevention of Sexual Abuse of Children.

This task force would study the best researched age-based appropriate curriculum for children pre-k through 5th grade. Rep. Maker has the hopes that I would be part of this task force.

The bill has been rejected at this time because council members believe that this is not an emergency matter. I don’t understand how the politics work and what is considered an emergency matter but along with many others, I have to disagree with their decision.

I did some math that for many would seem shocking but because I work closely with this crime I know the statistics like the back of my hand. It is not secret that this crime exists however, the secret remains within the victims who are afraid to speak out. This bill could help change that.

“One in every seven victims of sexual assault in under the age of six.”

In 2010 school year there were 85,181 children in K-5 in the state of Maine (which are the age groups this bill would be focused on).

In 2010 school year there were 44,573 in K-2 average the age of 6 years between these grades; using the statistic above roughly 6,368 children would be a victim of sexual assault.

Numbers are important in making the point; they put items into perspective. Another number is that 93% of juvenile victims know their abuser. People often believe that sexual abuse is a silent crime and should be dealt with in the family. What do you do when sexual abuse occurs within the family? Almost 50% of juvenile victims reported that their abusers were family members. My abuser was my father. What if members of this council didn’t know someone in their family was being abused? Would it be an emergency then?

There are so many points that could be made in support of this bill. Council members may consider these points opinions rather than facts but the fact is that this crime is everywhere. There is no one face to put on this crime; abusers are anyone and everyone. As we have seen in the media even those with a high profile status can take part in abusing. To those who abuse choose to do so but the victims of the abuse have no choice what so ever.

Children do not always understand, they will believe they are in the wrong. Abusers manipulate them to believe they are at fault. Education to children could help the believe the truth and the truth is they had no choice and that the crimes being committed to them are by no way their fault. Children need to know what is right and what is wrong. By not passing this bill you could be helping a child keep quiet, a secret that no child should have to keep, you are could be enabling them to do so.

By definition emergency is considered a serious, unexpected, and often dangerous situation requiring immediate action. I believe (and this is not an opinion but a
fact) by definition child sexual abuse is this. Not passing this bill you are allowing abusers more time to manipulate, coerce, and abuse! Children need to know they are being protected and isn’t that what we always talk about, protecting the future of this country, that can happen from protecting children who might be victims of abuse.


3 times more likely to suffer from depression.
6 times more likely to suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder.
13 times more likely to abuse alcohol.
26 times more likely to abuse drugs.
4 times more likely to contemplate suicide.

Does our society not put in tax dollars for programs that support all of these risk factors? By passing this bill you help save a child from going down this “wrong path in life.” Those children and adolescences who often participate in risky behaviors often have a past of abuse whether that be physical, emotional, or sexual; educating from the beginning could help at risk children to stop the abuse and heal from it before they believe they have no other options.

Child sexual abuse is something you might not be able to see but that does not mean it should not be declared an emergency. Many would consider child sexual abuse a silent epidemic. The members of this council have the opportunity to help break the silence of this epidemic and by not passing this bill they are contributing to the crime.

To any members who might read this; I ask you to reconsider your previous decision. As a survivor of child sexual abuse I believe you have a chance to make a difference in a child’s life and even if it is only one; children are like dominos and once one believes it is safe to come forward many others will follow. Children need to know. Education is the key to a lot of things and educating on our children on this crime could make a difference among our society.

This is something that could be continued forever, I believe I have made points for members to consider that are important. This is an emergency. Every 2 minutes someone is being abused in the United States. If you do not believe that it is, you need to become educated and I believe you will change your mind. You have the opportunity to save a child.

A survivor's perspective on the Penn State scandal.

Football is a game!

Children are living and breathing beings!

Comparing the crime of child sexual abuse and football is offensive, disrespectful, disgusting, low, and just plain wrong. People are taking the side of football over the side of 8 children who not only lost their innocence, they will lose their childhood, their sense of self, and their hope. I can say this because I am a survivor of child sexual abuse.

People are heated over the firing of Joe Paterno because he wasn’t the one who committed the crimes. The media is focusing on Penn State’s football coach rather than the crime being committed. However, “JoePa” turned the other way. Sure he might of reported what he knew to the school officials and shame on them for not doing what should of been done from the beginning. Paterno should of gone to the police, law officials that could of done something immediately. Just because Paterno did not physically commit these crimes to me he is considered an accomplice; he knew what was going on and instead of taking responsibility and going to the police he left it up to the school officials to decide. He is not the only one in the wrong!

This crime is receiving so much attention because it’s Penn State football. What about the cases that happen every single day. Most cases brought up in the media are those of the extreme. It hurts the victims, no one case should be considered more important than another.

Jerry Sandusky took advantage of 8 children. What he did is beyond wrong, those children will never be the same, they might not get over what has happened. The support given to the Penn State officials and Paterno is hurtful and disrespectful to those children. From experience you think others just think you are lying and you become more embarrassed. The support shown by college students for “JoePa” is sending a negative message to those children involved. The message:

Even if you tell the truth we are going to support those who could done something and saved you. We are going to support our football coach, our school, and everyone else who could of stopped this!

I feel for these children. I understand. This is not about Paterno or Sandusky this is about a crime being committed and people seem to think a game of football is more important than the lives of the children who have been affected by this.

This crime is already the most underreported crime there is. When rallying in support of those who could of reported it makes those who victims who haven’t more reluctant to do so. Our society should be supporting survivors in sharing their stories.

Education is so important. Maybe if these college students were educated on this crime they might feel differently about supporting their head coach. He knew what happened and he and the school choose not to do anything. This should receive zero support.

Joe Paterno will no longer be remembered as a great collegiate football coach but he will be remembered as someone who kept the secret that so many of us are trying to break. He helped Sandusky and Sandusky will be known a scumbag who likes children. Penn State’s reputation has been compromised because someone (JoePa) choose not do the right thing and Sandusky committed a crime so unforgivable that he stole the innocence of 8 children.

The focus of this scandal should be the crime that has been committed by all party members involved. Not that Penn State has a home game against Nebraska!

One chapter complete. Time for the next one to begin.

Lately I’ve been asked about my experience in court and the legal system. I’ve had a Facebook group member ask me about my court experience as well as an independent film producer from Big Voice Pictures. Many who experience abuse and go through with reporting it have negative experiences with law enforcement.

Just over a year ago in August I received my certification to teach law enforcement the topic of domestic violence but also share my experience when talking about sexual assault. Personally I believe that there is a different mentality between those in law enforcement and other occupations. Police officers are on the front line of many crimes, they are there to protect, gather evidence, investigate, and follow up with the report. Police officers are there to gather facts and proceed with what they are given. Sexual abuse and domestic violence is a different type of crime than any others they may deal with.

(I would just like to note that just because I teach police officers and know many of them that I have no idea what they really go through on the job. I believe that it is not easy but I also believe there is alway room for improvement with handling specific situations).

I’ve been told I can have the mentality of a future police officer. I also have the mentality of an advocate. If you ask the two to come together often they don’t see eye to eye. Advocates are there for the victim throughout the whole process, they are their to fight for the victim. They are trained to understand the dynamics of sexual abuse and domestic violence in order to emphasize with them. Many times you will hear the example of police officers asking a domestic violence “why don’t you leave?” Advocates understand why they may not be able to leave. There are many barriers. Not to discredit either profession but there are differences and with sexual assault and domestic violence the two need to form a bond and work together because of the complexity of these crimes.

Unlike many I had a positive experience with the legal system. From the time I reported the crime from the time my father was prosecuted I was supported throughout. When we first reported the crime I went for an initial interview with a detective from the Maine State Police. He understood that I might be more reluctant to give details with my mother in the room. He was respectful and realistic. There was no physical evidence in my case so we hoped that we could get a confession.

The evidence gathering went on for a little while; they would develop further questions, needed to clarify, or expand on details. Since my story was the only piece of evidence we had at the time it was important to tie up any loose ends and get as much details as we could. Once they believed my story was enough we made the decision to make recorded phone calls to my father while he was in Florida to try and get some kind of confession. It took me a couple of tries but finally I worked up the courage to ask my dad what kind of medical professional would tell him to have sex with his daughter (since he took bad advice). He had nothing to say but sorry and that he took the wrong advice by the wrong people…

That was it. We had enough information to move forward. When he arrived back in Maine sometime in May we was met by the police and arrested. He received bail and was released until his arraignment were he plead not guilty to gross sexual assault of his biological daughter (me). This started the trail process. This was a long process.

They assigned us a court advocate and we met with the DA. They tried as much as they could to prepare me for what was going to happen. Finally the came to start the trial. Since I was the only witness I was not allowed to hear any other testimonies. I had my own room to hang out in while I waited to take the stand.

The first time I took the stand it was a reality check. It was the first time I saw my father since October; it was now June. When his lawyer questioned me he tried to discredit me; they tried to confuse me into answering questions that made no sense. The DA made sure everything was cleared up when she asked me questions.

I took the stand a few times throughout the 3 day trail. The jury finally went to discuss everything and come up with a verdict. It didn’t take them long which could of been good or bad, for us ended up being good. They came back within an hour. They read each count of gross sexual assault. Kevin J. Cobb was found guilty on 18 counts of gross sexual assault. He was not allowed to be released from the trail until the sentencing because they considered him a “flight risk.”

Now it came time for more waiting. It took almost a year before we were given a date for the sentencing. Finally it came time to go back to court. During this time people were allowed to stand up and say their peace to him. I had family members stand up and he had his family stand up to say he was a good man and brother and boyfriend (blah blah blah). They apologized to me, they knew he did it yet still supported him, they begged for mercy by the judge when determining a sentence for him. Then I got to stand up and speak to him. I looked forward to it. I had a 6 page letter I was going to read to him and tell him everything he put me through.

I told him that the reason this happened was so that I could save others from him because he was never going to be stopped. I brought justice to those who went through it before me. He was a sex offender.

The judge sentenced him to 12 years, 10 years probation, and he will have to register as a sex offender when he is released. The process was long, hard, and frustrating. Many cases that go to court are dismissed, offenders get off with a slap on the hand and don’t do it again, I prosecuted my father and put him in jail for 12 years.

I don’t know the laws but I do know that they will never be enough. No matter how many years he stays in prison, on probation, it will never be enough. I don’t get those years back that he abused me so I move forward. I choose to make a difference and put myself in the middle of the fight to prevent sexual assault crimes. I believe in who I am because I created it; not him, not my abuse, not my past.

Juggling Act

Lately I’ve been having trouble balancing my life. My mind creates ideas and refuses to push them aside until I have done something with them. This can be a problem. Life as a student, employee, and founder of an organization don’t always agree with each other. I find myself wishing for more hours in a day far too often.
I am currently a senior in college with graduation no where in sight. I’m in an entry-level graduate program which basically means for the 2 years including summers I’m owned by the Quinnipiac University Occupational Therapy Department. Although I’m not in classes for more than 4 hours a day (most of the time) but the work load requires double the time I’m in class in order to be prepared and understand the material. I also hold two part-time jobs which are both flexible in scheduling which is a huge plus for me. This doesn’t change the fact that I still need to work. I pay for school with student loans, pay on a student loan now (never go through SallieMae, they are terrible), pay rent and utilities (I don’t live alone but it’s still not cheap), have a car payment, have a dog, gas to get anywhere, and not mention I live in Connecticut where everything is over priced and cost of living is ridiculous. Now life as the founder of a non-profit is a whole different story.
My right brain doesn’t always agree with my left. My creative process has no boundaries. It will think of ideas in the middle of the night, driving, in class (which I’m in now). My logical process wants to counter my creative process. I know that school comes first but unless I write my thoughts down or tell them to someone, I can’t focus on anything else. Most of these ideas all have to do with Breathe the AIR which is great but not so great when I have exams to study for.
Yesterday I was informed of a possible break through for Breathe the AIR and the annual event, “Riding for a Voice.” Someone was wearing the event t-shirt for “Riding for a Voice” at Karen’s Main Street Diner in Calais, ME and it caught the eye of someone in the group called “Ridin’ Steel.” This is a group of bikers that want to raise awareness for all charity groups. The organizer of the group holds a local cable show in Bath, ME but it reaches numerous states. They became interested in participating next year’s event and possibly filming parts of the event. This is a great opportunity to work with another organization and spread the word even more and reach as many people as possible. I’ve already have many people interested in the event for next year.
This pushes me to start things sooner but also creates conflict in my own mind. I want to plan things and create ideas to prepare for events but sometimes I just can’t do it at the time I want. If only I could hire someone (joking). The only purpose of this blog is to vent my feelings of juggling activities but to also make sure my readers understand the struggles of my mind. I would love to plan and organize only on Breathe the AIR’s priorities however at this time that’s just not an option. I do my best managing my time to do everything but that doesn’t mean its not hard. I know I have many supporters who understand this and I thank you for that. I also appreciate all the ideas the group members share in order to help with events. Sometimes I have to remind myself to take the time to “breathe.” I hope others realize this too.